Not too much to say, I've been kinda busy with work, that's about it.
We had a power-out two days ago, for four hours. It was from 4pm to just after 8pm. A pole in our neighbours front yard in a garden bed had snapped in the ground and was leaning against some trees. So they came and took it out and put the other in. It took ages and it was pretty hard for them to get in with a big pine tree next to the drive way. But it's done and they have a CEMENT one instead of a wooden one now.

I'm feeling kinda lonely lately but I guess that's typical of me. I'm really enjoying work so it's completely seperate to anything else in my life. I guess I just wish I still had some friends around here - Ones that actually care that is. But for that I'd need to go out somewhere like a bar or nightclub, which I refuse to do something I'd never be comfortable with, at least alone. and I haven't anyone to go with. Dale is coming back up for a weekend at the end of the month, getting a lift with a friend here and back, he said he was trying to get his girlfriend to come too. Though no offence to either him or her, I've had all I can take of couples at the moment.. and considering I haven't seen him in ages, I really want for when I see him, that it's just him and me.. I can act myself more, and be more comfortable. Besides, if his girlfriend is around I'll feel awkward or something for hugging him. Thus why I just wanna be myself.

What I really want right now is just to be able to find someone who lives CLOSE to me that I can l love, I can talk to.. The only ones I seem to get are either ones I can't have, or live so far away that it just feels impossible. I guess I'll eventually find someone, but it doesn't help me now while I actually want someone, or need someone to talk to that ISN'T family.

I've come to an interesting... conclusion recently. I've been thinking alot about life and love, but mostly death. Not in a bad way, I'm not going to go do something stupid.

I don't think I've ever really been afraid of death itself. Curious about it yes, but not afraid. What I'm afraid about it all is not being missed. I wish I knew how people would react, how many would miss me. Not as a bad thing but I wish I could know how much it'd affect those around me. I don't have heaps of friends really. I don't see anyone irl outside of the family basically. My only good friends are in another state and I barely get to talk to them, especially my bestfriend. (Who coincidently I'm starting to think is ignoring me now or something, after an email I sent to him.)

I always kind of thought of death as sleeping.. even if it's painful.. when you sleep you sort of lose conciousness.. is it like that? Do you just.. drift to it before everything turns blank? Does your life REALLY flash before your eyes? It's something I'll probably never get to know until it happens.. and well I won't remember it afterwards will I?

Sometimes I get scared something will happen to shorten my life.. before I could tell people how I felt or that they meant alot to me.. I'm sure alot of people probably worry that the people around them don't realise the impact that they've had on -your- life.

Still, I can't help but wonder.. who would cry knowing that somethings happened to me? Who would be glad? Kind of a morbid thought but still.

I'm not depressed or anything. Upset sure.. but that's completely seperate.

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I miss Star. I won't go in to detail on here for reasons I'd rather not say for everyone to hear.
The basic gist of it all is that I sent him an' email letting him know a few things, him being my bestfriend I knew it was best being completely honest. As it is.. over a week. (9 days to be exact.) and I still haven't heard anything. I sent two other emails appologising and one SMS.. and nothing.. I'm pretty worried I've screwed things up just from being honest. It wasn't anything bad that I said.. I'm sure he probably didn't want/need to hear it however. There's nothing I can do now but wait and hope I didn't scare him or annoy him..

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While I was up at the shops just now we went into the St Vinnies store to look around, I got a new bag.. woo. Also they're still looking for volunteers up there so I'm going up tomorrow morning to talk to the manager to watch a video on OH&S etc and volunteer to help out there. Which would look good on the resumé but more importantly.. gets me outta the house! *Snicker*

I've got my story, written up to one point, where I need to type it all up again on my computer. I've also started going back into one of the characters pasts to show how they come into the story ( Read more..... )

Post and suggestions or corrections they think would help the story line? (Keeping in mind that some of this may or may not change, and it is only a semi-general / semi-detailed outline of the story.)

My biggest resolution.. is to love..

It doesn't make much sense just saying it so simply I know.

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What I mean by it, is not to be inhibited by restrictions, and just love without worrying, the most important thing I can ever do is to love, and its one thing I'm going to make sure I have no problem with, I'm not going to hold onto the past clinging in hope of something to happen, I'm going to just let it go, let problems be what they are, and just deal with them, pain can be pain, but it can be soothed, I'm not going to dwell anymore, we're not here to sit moping about, to sit wallowing in our problems, we're here to live our lives, and accept things as they are, be what they may

I've had plenty of time to reflect. And frankly I'm thinking I've spent too much time doing so. I've had many problems where I've clung to a hope of seeing something that I would never see again.

There's been many cases like that for me over the past 2 years, I can easily say they've been the worst two years of my life almost, because problems have been long running, and well, I'm tired of worrying about problems regardless how long they go for, if a problem comes along, I'll just deal with it, because, problems can be solved but if I dwell on it, it can only get worse, and so could I, and I don't intend that, I intend to be happy, and to love the world for what it is, happyness, pain, suffering, hardship, yet full of the same love that can be returned even through all the problems.

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I'm not the greatest person in the world, but I'm the best I can be, I don't want to be the best, I just want to be good enough, and I believe that I AM good enough..

I live in a world of dreams among the harshness of reality, I can't help but try and see the world in a different light, why hate the world even when it hates you when its much easier just to accept things as they are?

Of course, things have to get worse before they can get better, but why drag it out, instead of just accepting the pain or problems as what they are?

Which is what slows things down because they have to get over the bad instead of just accepting it as it is, bad times, and not just get on with their lives.

Eli. S

( I had a crazy dream, waah. )
Stupid crazy dream! it wasn't a nightmare, not scary while it was 'happening', but I'd call that freaky. :P